Not in Part, But in Whole

November 18, 2012

“My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!”

-"It is Well With My Soul," Horatio G Spafford

Today was, well, quite incredible from the standpoint of my understanding of God’s love for me. There was a theme to my day which I know must somehow be Biblically bound, but by which Scripture I could not find, and instead rested along the lines of the third verse of this classic hymn.

And even then, it was only just a small part of the verse that tugged on my heart.

Today I worshipped with my eyes closed, praising God with an open heart and a voice two octaves lower due to a sinus cold. And while there was plenty of sound to fill the sanctuary, beneath it all there were two lines that I kept hearing again and again beneath the beauty of the music.

Chris, do you love me?

And…

If you believe in part, then why not in whole? 

As I struggle with my life, the choices that I must make on a daily basis to affect my living today as well as to project myself into the future, there are things I trust God with and things I don’t really trust Him with.

For instance, I trust God that I will wake up tomorrow morning. I have a stuffy nose and am a little dehydrated but, all things being equal, there is no reason why my heart should stop tonight.

I also trust that when I look at my (dwindling) bank account, my money will not have magically reduced itself (or multiplied for that matter).

I trust that when I put the key in the ignition of my parents van, that the engine will start and I will be able to begin my day.

But, do I really trust God in whole?

I think I trust Him in my finances. Somehow I have managed to live (though very modestly) off of my emergency fund savings, which was really more of an accident than planned, though to be honest I haven’t given as much financially as I have with my time lately. I found out that my backup plan for employment was not going to be much of a plan, as some major complications have arisen, and yet I am still not entirely freaked out about that either. So, I have some peace at night in trusting that God is looking out for me financially, which is an area that I think most people struggle.

In terms of my health, there is a smattering of tests I could run just to make sure that things are well. I have taken on too much sun in my life, drank a little too hard at times, eaten unhealthy in streaks, and failed at times to exercise routinely. But I am only 31 and rather resilient and I imagine that I trust God has blessed my body quite well so far and will do so in the near future.

Career. Hmmm, let me think on that one… While I can’t claim that I am fully engaged in a traditional career path, I do trust that God has His hand in my endeavor to reach people through my words and my ingenuity. I am not the best at both, and perhaps as the money runs short I will start to question whether or not God is going to show up and provide for me through my writing or otherwise. But for the time being, I am relatively little concerned over career advancement.

So, many of the things that I should trust God with, I do. But these things are not the most important to me. Which is interesting, because I imagine that if we all made a list of priorities, we would be more inclined to trust God in the smaller things than in the bigger ones. For me, there are a few “big ticket” items that I just can’t seem to trust God with. And that is where the voice spoke out to me today.

Chris, do you love me?

Of course, Lord, I love you.

Then trust me.

Of course I trust you.

Trust me in this…

And then I saw the two things I desire most – my call to the mission field and my bride – and I felt a warmth beneath my heart as I considered the cost of holding onto these two things so dearly.

Just. Let. Go… Just. Let. Go…

The words repeated themselves, to the beat of my heart, several times as I wrestled.

Still I clung.

Do you believe that I am who I say that I am?

Yes.

That I came to the earth to die on the cross for your sins?

Yes.

That I was raised from the grave by the power of God?

Yes.

That I am seated at the right hand of the Father?

Yes.

Then why won’t you just let go? Why will you trust me in part, but not in whole?

It was then the words came to my mind… “…My sin, not in part but the whole;
is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more…”

Jesus did not come to save me from some of my sins. He came for them in their entirety. And God has not withheld some judgment from me. He has withheld it all. I was not freely given some portion of grace. I was freely given all grace from God.

So if I know and believe that Jesus came for me, not in part but in whole, then why should I trust Him in part, and not in whole?

I don’t think I am any different than anyone else really. I think, as Christians, we all have different views of what it means to trust God. And, if we were to make our list of priorities, we would also all probably have those top two or three things that we absolutely refuse to relinquish our grip on.

But God promises more to me, more than what I know is good, if I would only let go of what I think is good, and trust Him to provide.

Why do we fail to trust others, particularly in things most dear to us? Because we are afraid of being hurt. We are afraid that if we expose ourselves, if we put ourselves out there and hold loosely to the things we love the most, then someone might come along and grab them and smash them to the ground. We fail to trust others because we fail to believe that they love us, that there is something that we must withhold for ourselves in order to still feel complete.

So, the most illogical thing to do is to trust God in our entirety.

But love is not based on logic. It’s based on letting go of self in order to let others in.

And tonight, I am letting God in…