November
13, 2012
“I
have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me.
The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me
and gave himself for me.”
Galatians
2: 20
If I were perfectly honest with myself,
I would have to admit that I am the man who is considering the cost of being
crucified with Christ. I honestly would not be able to say that I have been
crucified, from a non-intellectual standpoint, because I am still holding on to
some parts of my self that are not meant to be held.
Perhaps I was wounded deeply in my
past, or am still being wounded, and I hold onto my self and cover my wound in
order to prevent further harm. Perhaps I developed a sense of control and
desire to control from a world that is so full of uncontrollable things,
thinking that perhaps if I could just create a little sense of order then things
around me wouldn’t be as chaotic as they actually are. Perhaps I just wanted
something to be mine – something tangible or intangible – something or someone
just to hold onto and trust and believe at the end of the day that no matter
how the day went, there was this one consistent part of my life… my “Precious,”
to quote Gollum from Lord of the Rings.
No matter what has or has not happened,
the reasons why I have or have not clung to control, or what I do or do not
want to comfort me at the end of the day, there is a deep and painful question
I am asking myself now: Have I truly crucified myself in Christ?
I am saved. I have been baptized. I go
to church. I read the Bible. I pray. I meet with other Christians for Bible
studies. I have forgiven everyone that comes to mind. I have asked forgiveness
of everyone I feel I have hurt. I try not to drink too much, swear too much,
sin too much.
But that’s not what Ik Leef Nu (“I Live
Now”) is all about…
Have I truly been crucified with
Christ? Have I truly abandoned my self and relinquished my grip on the things
in life that I want to control?
Have I let my wounds be healed, instead
of covered and protected?
Have I trusted in a world of chaos and
uncertainty that God would provide?
Have I held only onto the idea that
Jesus Christ is all I need at the end of the day?
Honestly, the answer to each of those
questions is, “no.”
And let me tell you why…
I have tried to rationalize that no
man, aside from Jesus himself, could walk the life of Jesus. No man could truly
abandon himself or herself to the point where Jesus is everything. I have read
my “Radical” (by David Platt) and my “Crazy Love” (by Francis Chan) and I have
thought about the houses that they must live in and the cars that they must
drive (in as much of a non-judgmental way as possible).
I have tried to tell myself that no
matter what I abandon, what control I relinquish, there will always be
something more to release.
And, honestly, instead of even trying
to let go – to live in the promises of hope and freedom and love that God has
made – I have told myself that no matter what I do, it will never be enough. I
am a perfectionist, with the highest of expectations. I confess I have
struggled through a works-based mentality, which makes me think that everything
in life is tit-for-tat, that if I let go of this one thing then I will receive
some other thing in exchange.
But that is not what we are called to.
God has made promises to me that, in exchange for identifying myself with him
in the crucifixion of self, I will obtain eternal life.
But I’m afraid of that today. Because
eternity seems too far away.
I want to know that my wounds will heal
in time, if I just don’t mess with them too much.
I want to know that I can find a way to
build enough comfort around myself to shield me from whatever catastrophe is
around the corner.
I want to choose my bride to lie beside
each night.
Because these things are so much closer
to me than eternity…
“It
is along this line that we see the rugged impatience of the Holy Ghost against
unbelief. All our fears are wicked, and we fear because we will not nourish
ourselves in our faith. How can anyone who is identified with Jesus Christ
suffer from doubt or fear! It ought to be an absolute paean of perfect
irrepressible, triumphant belief.”
Oswald
Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest
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I am being brutally honest with myself
and posting this anyway, even though I have exposed my innermost fears and
failures. I don’t want to live a life in darkness…
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